i was rifling through high school memorabilia some days ago. i came across old "palanca" letters from high school classmates, both friends and, well, just classmates. and what they wrote bothered me. actually, it's been bothering me for quite some time now. years actually. i'm close to concluding that maybe, i need a little bit more love in my life.
thing. that i was smart.
no. there's absolutely nothing wrong with being called smart. or intelligent. or ambitious. or "has a long way to go in life."
what hurts is that, that was all i got. even from some of my closest friends.
it's as if i couldn't be anything else. i wasn't their shoulder to cry on, not the friend they'd choose to run too after a fight with their significant others. i wasn't the one they'd share their secrets with. or they'd giggle with about a crush.
i was just the one they'd ask for chemistry tips. i was the eic, the delegate to the international conference, the girl who speaks in front of the school sometimes, the girl graduating at 15. i was never anyone's best friend.
maybe i didn't open up enough. maybe i was too busy with my acads stuff. maybe it was all my fault.
i dont know if im pms-ing. but i'd sure hate people's memories of me to be devoid of adjectives like "loyal", "loving", "caring", "sweet". because i know they'd probably be full of stuff like "headstrong", "intelligent", "ambitious".
and i feel like college was nothing new. and i dread the day i realize that my college write up reads exactly like my high school one does.
i can be funny. i can cry with you. i can lie on the grass and stargaze with you. i can keep your secrets. i can be your best friend.
is it true that one's name speaks volumes about one's personality? i'm beginning to think so. random internetquizzes (see below) have revealed to me how innate my ambition and drive to succeed really are. is this true? or is everything so random that things might sometimes fall into place? like this time.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Name Acronym Generator
Thursday, June 10, 2004
i'll break my own rule and post something about a. here. hehe. anyway, it isnt too mushy. just downright amusing!!!
i went to upmla yesterday (which was a&p day) to help a enlist. i arranged his sked for him, of course, according to my schedule so we'll have the same free days. after standing in line for what seemed like an eternity, we went off to the pit grillery on pedro gil, our favorite lunch date place.
we still needed his adviser's signature, so we decided to go back to CAS. we detoured through rob place, and guess what? we ended up in a videoke booth!
just the two of us, singing videoke! it was fun, funny, sweet and hilarious all at the same time! a. chose songs from "respectable" glam rock/ new wave bands like guns 'n roses, harem scarem, the cure, (and the artist who sang "shout"). but he did sing one hardcore videoke song as his finale, Larawang Kupas
by his friend Jerome Abalos, who also happens to be the vocalist of the metal band Death by Stereo (am i right?).
We sang six songs each and went out of the booth poorer but definitely happier. that's another item to add on the list of a&p experiences together.
what's it about my haircut anyway? two people didn't recognize me yesterday. even a. says my aura has changed because the cut. (a talking about esoteric things like aura? oh no. :p) can anyone comment on this?
i'm still anxious over the results of the pdi scholarship. a lot of people might want it for the prestige. but i want it for the money. i want a sudden windfall of cash, now
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
so there it was, the interview for the PDI scholarship. i'm not as confident/ arrogant as i always am. why? i'm not sure. i haven't the slightest inkling how many people they're gonna take in. and i know that the people i'm up against are all as good, if not better than me.
oh well. may the best person win na lang
details of the interview scare me.
why does sir yambot seem to know me inside out? he asked me, out of the blue, what my stand on pre marital sex is. so i say what it is: i have no problem with it as long as it's protected, my concern is really the population explosion. then he asks me if i had a boyfriend. which i did. akelle was waiting for me at the PDI lobby. and i almost saw a mischievous/ knowing twinkle in his eyes when he turned to his panel seatmate to whisper something.
pero hindi yan ang punchline.
right after that, he asks me what my stand on same sex marriages is
wtf? lolo ba kita sir yambot? hehehe
tapos sabi ng mga tao tao, loko loko lang daw yung interview. bakit puro issues yung pinag uusapan naming apat? Sir Joey kept asking me about the metro manila wide survey we did for cr 101 and the monitoring i did for cmfr. ayun, banter about how the media coverage went. and i honestly answered. airtime and space was almost cornered by poe and gma.
is that a good sign? that they think that i talk sense?
okay. sige. yun muna ang iisipin ko. hehe
sana mag deliberate na sila. para hindi prolonged ang agony. :D
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Punk Rock Love
by Aaron Wohl
from May 1992 Cometbus
Punk rock love is fucking behind the dumpster down the street from the show. Fucking in the shower at the Hotel Carlton. Making out in the recycle bin. Looking at her tattoos while she's asleep. Taking showers together. Playing checkers with cigarette butts. Watching her band play. Dumpstering veggies together and then going back to her place and cooking up a feast. Knowing the same parts of the same songs. Both of you having the same ex-girlfriend.
Punk rock love is having to tie her shoes for her cuz she's too drunk. Kissing under the overpass. Her sending you her whole diary to read. Her giving you ten rolls of duct tape for your birthday. Her beating up skinheads. Going to the prom on her motorcylce and checking in the helmets at the coatcheck. Getting astonished stares from all the jocks who thought you were gay, now they feel dumb cuz you're with an older punk rock bombshell and they're with their friend's little sister.
Punk rock love is meeting her outside the club and her saying come home with me or I'm gonna kick your fuckin ass. Going home with her and she almost kicks your ass anyway. Sharing hairdye. Riding double on a bike. Being loud and not caring. Sneaky eyes and sleeveless t-shirts. The sun coming up and you realizing that there's other people on the beach. A good sleazy one week stand. Still being friends afterwards, most of the time.
Punk rock love is her sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet you in the park. Running your fingers over her spikey hair. Her chewing on a flower and you having to call poison control when her tongue swells up. Bringing her to the laundromat for a date. Sharing a sleeping bag and waking up freezing in the middle of the night and her, bleary eyed, trying to heat it up with a blowdrier. Social Unrest playing "Ever Fallen in Love?" at the gig you're both at the night after she dumps you hard. Starting smoking again after that night.
Punk rock love is her drawing on you. Her sleeping on your back. Her being mad at you for being such a jerk. Her thinking it's cool that you stink and your hair stands up by itself. Her having weird roommates who worship eggs. You waiting in the doorway for hours hoping she might pass by. Even in the snow. Her singing along with Descendents records over the air on her late night radio show. Her picture on the front page of the morning paper, getting arrested. Her borrowing your favorite black hat and never giving it back. Punk rock love is finding a girl who drinks as much coffee as you do. Going into the cafe where she works and she looks up and smiles and doesn't notice as she tips over a pile of 50 dishes. They hit the floor one by one and when it's all done everyone in the cafe applauds and you both turn beet red.
Punk rock love is both of you doing fanzines. Years later her teaching English to college freshmen, you still doing fanzines. Her wearing glasses through her eyes are fine, using crutches though her legs are fine, and talking with a fake speech impediment. You just thinking it's rad girl style, until later when someone brings up the concept of self-imposed handicaps.
Punk rock love is getting your first kiss and almost losing your virginity at the same time, meanwhile you're trying not to wake up the other person sleeping in the same bed.Groping in the bushes by the freeway and later you realize that all the passing cars could see you. Exploring the wasteland together. Holding hands out on the fire escape.
Lying in the grass in her backyard. Lying on the astroturf in her bedroom. Drinking tequila on her porch, on your birthday. Riding on her motorcylce early in the cold morning and you're holding on tight and steam is rising off of the river and you're thinking how she is maybe even better than the Ramones.
Punk rock love is both being broke
. Love letters
. Finding out she sang "Stay Free" at her high school talent show. Finding out she's a little crazier than you thought when you finally get her in bed. Her boyfriend getting mad. Walking around with her and her nephew and everyone giving you dirty looks cuz they think he's your kid. Walking around with her and being happy and proud.Being sad together. Being sad by yourself. Missing her.
nice. and though none of us are into punk, i can strangely relate. aaahh... the glory of odd love.
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
everyone please remind me how many times i've taken this test. i forget...
(perhaps i take it to remind myself not to be confused by any definitional problems there might be)
Friday, June 04, 2004
sa mga bitter na tao sa tabi tabi riyan.
stop denying the fact that you feel bitter and insecure. acceptance is the first step to a happier life.
and. you have every right to be insecure. we're just really better
than you are. maybe if you study for five years straight without sleeping or complaining
, you can be better than me.
gaya ng sabi ni rita, nag iiba talaga ang feeling pag alam mong graduating ka na.
i have that feeling in the pit of my stomach as well. Apprehension at the fact that this is another beginning of an end. i still dont know what to do with my life. settle for a call center job? do PR for a dirty politician? work for a news organization? i don't know.
i'm sure of only one thing. that i want to be finally
, independent. as to how im going to do that... "there's the rub" 'ika nga ni pareng Conrad.
it's not even a question of what i want versus what's practical. because i honestly do not know what i want.
it feels like i'm watching the last two minutes of a basketball game. it feels
like the last two minutes of a basketball game.
Schedule for this Sem
Mondays- only one class, from 1-4 pm. Comm 141 (Mass Media and Society)
Tuesdays- really heavy day. 8:30- 11:30, Film 104 (Film Genres); 1-4, Journ 199 (Thesis Proposal) with Sir Arao; 4-5:30, Anthro 187 (Sex and Culture)
Wednesdays- one class to complement the A&P day! :D 8:30- 11:30, Journ 123 (Photojournalism)
Thursdays- no classes!!! leg work and research day
Fridays- 8:30- 11:15, Journ 121 (The Newsroom) kung bakit butal ang timeslot, ewan ko; 4-5:30, Anthro 187
Saturdays- 10-12, PE 2 (Basketball for Women); 1-4, Journ 196 (Literary Journalism) with the
I got all the classes i wanted, plus the professors i wanted as well. hope this translates to a wonderful sem!
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
I have been vindicated
I got my classcards for the two classes i took last summer, journ internship and philippine prehistory. i got 1s for both classes. looks like there's still hope for that buried magna cum laude
dream... hehe...there's nothing like perfect grades to make a grade conscious person like me happy.
oops. i just promised kate
, cleng, julie
and melay that I'd try not to be grade conscious anymore. then kate said that if that were the case, then she wouldn't eat anymore. jaycee upped the ante by saying that if i wont be grade conscious anymore, then kate must be really female.
a. and i met up kanina. we ate at mang jimmy's for lunch and isaw at mang larry's for "merienda". it's been a long time since we last did that. miss that. :D