That's what she said
Thursday, November 25, 2004
i've been cellphone less for around a month now and somehow i enjoy the feeling. life has slowed down a little bit with all the walking to and from payphones just to get connected. somehow i've found more time to enjoy my thoughts or just laugh over anything with my ujp buddies.
and i think it's time to maybe take my friendships to another level. not the romantic level, of course not that. but to the "high school level". remember the time when you'd sit on the phone listening to the innermost secrets of the person on the other line, swearing under your breath that you'd never tell, never tell? well, i miss that time, and i miss that level. i lost that, how, i do not know. i lost it after i moved to diliman, when i lost my block and introduced myself to the unsecure world of "alone- ness". for a time i enjoyed having myself to myself and being able to pursue and achieve my dreams. but now i've decided, that months before i graduate, i'm ready to have more genuine friendships.
i miss the knowing look a friend gives to another the day after they've had the funnest phone conversation ever. i miss leaning my head on someone else's shoulder and expecting to be understood.
there are people like _ _ _ a, _ i _ _ _, and _ _ _ e _ who i want to know more. But i'm afraid to approach them! I have this facade of being no- nonsense and overly logical. I am in no way satisfied with this impression, but they might be. They might be comfortable with the distance i've built around myself. they may not be at ease if i suddenly change.
i'm thinking that i'm such a bore. that beyond my useless knowledge, i am nothing. i think i can be something, but thinking is eons away from being.
story of my life. (when will i ever be happy with myself?)
the paragraphs continue to be shorter. and i continue to doubt. time is probably not enough anyway. no lasting friendship has been built over a span of four months.
someone prove me wrong.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
got this from ic's blog. www.thenamesite.com gives you the etymological, among others, meaning of your name.
Name Origin: Hebrew
Number of Syllables: 2.00
More interesting facts about the name Anna:
Lucky Number: 3
Ruling Planet: Jupiter
Primary Color: Yellow
Traits: The investigator; the scientist; the seeker. An interest in material rather than the spiritual. Ideas on religion frequently change. Has a great sense of humor. Not greatly interested in money. Very trusting, yet likes to know the "why" and the "how".
Name Origin: Latin
Number of Syllables: 3.00
More interesting facts about the name Patricia:
Lucky Number: 5
Ruling Planet: Mercury
Primary Color: Blue
Traits: Active, both physically and mentally. Inquiring, exploring. Fond of reading and researching. Good at languages. Would make a very good teacher, writer, secretary. Makes friends easily. Usually methodical and orderly; adept at simplifying systems.
Alam mo, ang daming tama
* * *
I promise to refrain from blogging and blog hopping for one week.
I promise to concentrate on my thesis and wuit bumming around. I promise to finally sit down with sir Teodoro and listen to him murder my proposal. I promise to do my best, contribute to the world and finish this on time. I promise that i am not kidding.
Monday, November 15, 2004
This is the writeup that i submitted to Julie. It's kind of pleasant considering that it came form a super depressing piece:
She should have written a book by now, someone says. But instead, she sits alone and eats ice cream. A book about what anyway? Tragic childhood memories or the lack thereof?
There is nothing remotely extraordinary about her. Except that she watches horror movies alone, eats sandwich spread with rice and buys most of her clothes in second hand stores. That’s hardly material for a book. Not even for a leaflet.
For the most part, she spends her time daydreaming. About finally being gorgeous, and rich enough to travel around the world and eat all the plane food she wants. About landing that dream job and keeping her dream man. About making time to construct that dream home to house her dream family. About finding that thing called “happiness” along the way.
New Wave, Progressive, OPM, jazz, bossa nova, metal, seemingly irreconcilable, mesh into a seamless medley of words, tears, pain, desire, despair, laughter, love, delirium, reading between the lines, jumping to conclusions, fear, paranoia, broken promises, death wishes, pleasant surprises, moments fathoming the “grand design”.
Fortunately, people don’t talk about her in the past tense (yet) as if they were battling for the chance to be quoted in her tombstone. (“She was a great companion and a wonderful friend… I remember the times we spent together…”)
But that past tense reference is really her ticket to an eventful life. So for the time being, no book deal is in sight.
This was supposed to be my writeup:
This too shall pass and even post modernism will be a cliché. Your mind will only occasionally trail off to memories of afternoons spent idly talking with friends, or walking under clouds with a loved one. You will be haunted by the loud laughter you made everywhere: hallways, classrooms, tambayans… And you will ask yourself whenever did you lose the capacity to laugh that way.
But before the future is the now. Your friends still call you young, your lover still calls you beautiful. You still get compliments here and there. “She is intelligent.” “She will go far.” “She is a great friend.”
People do not talk about you in the past tense (yet). As if they were battling for the chance to be quoted in your tombstone.
You still look into the mirror and complain that people always gloss over what’s important. No one ever notices your smile, your laughter ant the way you twitch your nose to convey emotion. No one ever says you’re a puppy some times, eager to please and be pleased. No one knows that when you love, you love with all that is left of your heart, mind and soul. No one knows you wanted to try everything but didn’t, couldn’t.
The small things that set you apart, no one notices. SO, bitter, you cannot wait for the future.
Bu the future is yet to come. In fact it’s taking too long to arrive.
So for now, the now.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
i woke up one day and realized that i had become the person that i hated during high school. i now love starbucks.
i spent four years of my life on katipunan avenue ogling people who frequent that place, and totally hating them. i hated the fact that they came in cars with boy/girl toys by their side, spoke with obviously fake kano twangs and splurged no less than a hundred bucks for coffee hot or cold. i hated the fact that they could stomach their mocha frappes while interacting with street children.
" i mean," i asked "who could possibly do that?"
fast forward to today. i am now in college still carless but terribly addicted to starbucks coffee. mocha valencia, yum. iced mocha valencia, double yum. mocha frappe, classic yum.
how the hell did that happen? how the hell did starbucks sneak up on my ever vigilant self? i wish i could tell you about the details of my first ever cup of starbucks. but i don't remember. ah, but i do.
i was still in up manila, and my blockmates and i were hanging out at the robinson's place foodcourt. how egalitarian, right? i don't know how it happened, and why, but i excused myself and went down to starbucks to order a mocha frappe. it was so easy. and i didn't bungle up my order as first timers are wont to do (or so they say).
now i crave starbucks.
i have changed. a lot. i think of myself when i was in high school, when i was all of only 15 years old, and i laugh. i see myself now, and i laugh even harder. how much can one person change in 4 years? so much.
i have aged, i have turned cynical. i have lost my magic? i'm afraid so. i no longer want glorious things like "to be able to change the world". i now want what everyone else wants. to be rich. and now i don't want to have kids. how sad is that?
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
conversation ni kate at ng kanyang kapatid. "simple, pero rock!" hehe. 'stig.
krista: ano nga ulit tawag sa second densest object in the universe? yung pangalawa sa black hole?
kate: um, male brains?
Monday, November 08, 2004
it's back to school again. argh. well,it's not exactly something to "argh" about since all i've been doing this sembreak is patronize entertainment central. i watched everything from conan o' brien to the iron chef to the fifth wheel. what a pathetic existence. (wait, did i spell that last word correctly?)
anyway. i'm supposed to go senti over this whole "last semester" thing. well, i'm not. it's not like i choose to not go cornballing, it's just that mooshy feelings are being overtaken by fear. what will happen to me after i graduate? by then i won't be counting time in terms of semesters and quarters. when i go out in the real world, success won't be measured in terms of grades. Alas! I'm slowly coming to accept that the only thing I'm good at (and good for) is getting good grades.
that about summarizes how i've been feeling for the rest of the semester.
my advise to those who are not about to graduate. NOW is the time to stop and think if you're sure you'd want to do for the rest of your life what you're studying for now. NOW is the time to think if you're sure. PERIOD. It's never too late to shift, to take time off, or to drop out entirely. If it's going to make your mind clear up, then by all means, do it.
a good friend comes to mind right now. most of the time he's the butt of jokes that have to do with overstaying in school. but this time, i give my kudos to him. at least he knew he wanted enough of *that* and had enough balls to get to *this*.
because in all my 19 years of existence, i've learned that the hard part is not getting what you want, but making sure that you want something. it's not hard to make yourself happy, what's hard is to determine what's going to make you happy.
so my life has been a series of hits and misses. i acquire things that i thought would make me happy, only to realize that no, this is only gunk that will make my room harder to clean. i pass up things (and people) that at night leave me wondering "what if" they could have given me the happiness i so desire.
and i don't want to go into that cliche of not getting what you want but "wanting what you get". i think that's just an excuse to lie low and accept things as they are. pathetic pathetic existence.
hits and misses have made my life interesting. if only for the stories i can tell grandchildren in the future, i would gladly experience everything all over again. mistakes, periodic depression, and fleeting ecstacy make the hard path to *happiness* worthwile.
this is why i am excited to go into the *real world*. (what is this anyway, fake?) there is a chance that i might get more dibs at ecstacy. but the prospect of more things to get depressed about makes me apprehensive.
then again, there's no backing out of challenges when you're 19 years old and you believe that "the world is your oyster".