That's what she said
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
i need to ride a plane. i feel stuck.
on my thesis' acknowledgements page:
Akelle, my partner, my best friend, my 50 %, I love you for being my heart and understanding “goodbye”;
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
i can't believe it! up lost to ust! 4-4 na tuloy kami! shems! nasa forecast ko pa naman na magre- repeat ang maroons over the tigers. bakit ganun?
according to my assessment of the stats (courtesy of ubelt.com, hindi ko napanood ang game eh) mahina ang laro ng bench ng up at disente ang laro ng bench ng ust. that was what clinched it, i think. kasi mas madaming offensive rebounds, steals and blocks ang up. saka, shempre ang 3pt shooting ng ust matinik naman talaga compared to ours. at... hindi na maximize ng maroons ang 33 fouls ng tigers, making only 28 out of their 50 attempts at the free throw line. libre na nga tinanggihan pa...
kung ako kay coach lito, mag shooting practice sila ng boys niya. magaling ang big men ng up, mika vainio, abby santos, nestor david... san ka pa diba? pero pure shooter... teka lang, wala atang ganyan ang up. i never thought the day would come when i'd miss mike bravo, that day is today. so, coach lito, patinuin mo po ang FG% ng up at baka makapasok pa tayo sa final four. hindi po talaga matino ang FG% na 35%. anoba yan, 2/3 ng tira niyo sablay!
don't worry, i'll include the team in my prayers. no joke. ;)
Friday, August 12, 2005
Because hompohobia is
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Just how apt is this song? "Right Here Waiting for You" by Richard Marx
Most of the time, listening to 80s songs gets me up and about. But this one's just a downer.
I went to UP today, and i couldn't help but cry. so many memories. i hate it.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
bear with me. i'm mourning.
i just miss him so much. last night we talked on the phone, as if it were old times. old times? pero pilit naming pinipigilan yung mga dating lagi naming sinasabi. parang mali na "akelle" lang ang tawag ko sa kanya habang halos tatlong taon ko siyang tinawag na "beb", "mahal", "love".
hindi ko man lang masabi sa kanya na "i love you". kahit mahal ko siya, di ko masabi yun kasi alam kung torture yun para saming dalawa. kasi kung mahal ko siya bakit ako umalis diba?
hindi ko man lang siya mapagalitan dahil hindi siya kumakain ng maigi. sino ba naman ako diba?
i miss him so much. sana alam niya yun. i feel so terrible.
Monday, August 01, 2005
finally, i'm back to a layout that actually fits my mood. i don't know how many people actually know about this, but, akelle and i are no longer a couple. yupyup. whatever we were is no longer.
right now i'm mourning the passing of an era, it was an era, we both thought it would last forever (who didnt?). but i'm not consumed by grief. there's actually peace in me, saying (i think) that this is the right thing to be done. akelle and i are ironing out the technicalities of this separation: i want to continue on as friends, he wants to just forget that everything passed between the two of us.
(this part i don't get. i told him i'm not really giving up on him, i'm just giving myself a chance to live normally again. he says that i do deserve time out from him but lubus lubusin ko na raw
and pretend he never existed. hello, hindi ata pwede yon.
so, i'm currently in the middle of things. nothing really serious in the love department going on (for updates, email me, hehe). i've found so many other things to focus on. and i'm actually happy. people have been saying that my smile's become brighter as of late. it comes with a "clean conscience", i think. there's no more "bad relationship" to hide from the family, so i guess, that's one thing to smile about.
i do miss having him beside me, tho. for almost three years he was my rock, my strength. so please understand if i seem a little bit weaker than the pat you used to know. this whole thing feels like an amputation.
like my soul'd been cut in half.
every night and every morning i pray for him. i pray that God would touch him and heal him and comfort him. he's been devastated ever since we broke up (i did the breaking up part). he hasn't been eating well, hasn't been leaving his room. please pray for him too. sama niyo na rin ako sa mga dasal niyo kasi, nahihirapan din ako.
i'm not pretending to be okay. i cry. i hurt. it's just that i know i need to be away from him to grow. i do miss him. i do miss having him around and feeling him beside me. i miss falling asleep in his arms. i miss holding his hand. i miss saying i love you.masakit.
but after the hurt always comes this feeling of confirmation. this is something i need to do. so i guess, i should feel a little bit better.