That's what she said
Monday, September 26, 2005
sometimes i don't know what his purpose in life is. sometimes i think he was sent down here to just make me feel miserable. i dunno. his words are like sharpened knives always
aimed at me. always.
my dad and i are at it again. two saturdays ago, he kicked me out of the house. i honestly did not know what to feel after that. his words were hurtful but i did not get mad. i just pitied my mom who was crying as it all happened. see i've gotten used to his outbursts and they dont make me cry as much as they used to.
and then last saturday my whole family picked me up from work. so there i was thinking that, hey maybe this is his way of making up for treating me so badly. ive never expected him to say sorry. it's just not like him. so i was happy the whole of sunday.
but then just this morning. arg. i dont even have any energy to tell the story. he just thinks so lowly of me, like i'm the scum of the earth or something. that i will never change that even the Almighty God is incapable of changing me.
he hates the fact that "i try to please everybody but him". hello. does it not cross his mind that i dont try to please anybody, they just appreciate me for who i am, and the only person who does not, is him.
gosh. i know
he loves me. cerebrally, i am sure. it's a fact right? fathers must love daughters. but do i feel it? i don't anymore. i'm more convinced that a part of him hates me.
ive been bad. what's it going to take for him to see that i'm not anymore? (or at least that i'm trying?)
my father is incapable of expressing complex emotions. it's either anger or joy for him. anything more complicated than that sends him into outbursts of rage. apparently, he's more angry than joyful.
and the really funny thing is, nothing makes him angrier than me and the things i do.
i wonder why.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
there's breaking news!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
haay... finally, may internet na dito sa trabaho. nakapag update na ko! sa wakas! actually, tinatamad lang talaga ako magsulat dito. parang kausap ko kasi ang ere. minsan pointless. pero dahil kailangan ko din naman magsalita mag isa, eto na ako.
ang dami nang nangyari since my last update. i am now working in the philippine daily inquirer. opo dito din ako bumagsak. ako ay isang EPA: editorial production assistant. kami ang naglelayout at nagpu- proofread ng dyaryo niyo araw- araw. naka assign ako sa business section at page one.
bongga. mahal ko ang editors ko sa business dahil maaga sila mag bigay ng dummy, meaning hindi nakaka tense i- beat ang 6 pm deadline. 230 pa lang ginagawa na, so that gives the three of us (tatlo kami sa business and page one) more than three hours to go through the stories and lay them out.
pero grabe ang page one. the first edition has to be in at 8:30 pero minsan 7:30 na hindi pa kumpleto ang mga story. nakakatense. minsan i have three top editors looking over my shoulder as i work. pressure! grabe. halos lahat pa ng tao dito nag yoyosi, so nakakatempt na mag yosi na rin to release tension. but im done with cigarettes...
aggravating factor pa ang bagong software na gamit dito sa pdi. hindi po pagemaker ang gamit dito, at hindi din quark. Tera po na napaka high tech. it's actually definitely easier to use than pagemaker, pero siyempre, nag aadjust pa lang ako.
at. nakatira na po ako sa boarding house malapit lang dito. siguro mga dalawang tumbling lang ang layo. ang hirap kasi bumiyahe ng gabi e. so yun, independent working girl ang drama ko ngayon.
love life? no comment. :D
Thursday, September 08, 2005
repost from cy's blog (this is hilarious):
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
NOW MEN... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
i went out with akelle today. now that was bittersweet. the day started with me going to the nbi clearance center in carriedo to fix things for work. i thought it would last the whole day, so i came at 9 am. but wonder of wonders, i was done before ten, so idecided, hey, why not swing by divisoria to shop around a bit?
so i went to my favorite corner of divisoria (go down ylaya from recto, turn right and walk towards a mall full of native chinese merchants) where they sell accessories for a song. i went around and bought myself a couple of bracelets.
by 1130 hilo na ko, so i decided to leave divisoria and go somewhere else. where? and that's when i thought, why not drop by up manila and say hi to the ex? (i hate that "word")
so i called up akelle and asked permission to see him. hmm... he said yes.
i arrived at up manila at 12. his class was at one so i expected him to arrive a little after
1. hehe. he did, he arrived at 130, apologized for making me wait, and said he needed to get to class as soon as possible. i told him that i'd wait for him.
and i did wait. until 4 pm. he went down to check on me a couple of times, but my point is, i waited. and not once did i feel bad about waiting. not once did i tell him that i was getting impatient. not once did i get impatient.
if this happened two months ago, i would've thrown a tantrum. i would've been mad. i would've felt disrespected, wronged and taken for granted. this is my most intense pet peeve, people who make other people wait.
apparently, i've gotten over it. with God's help, definitely. but what does this mean?
anyway, the first few moments spent with each other were definitely awkward. he called me pat and i called him akelle and it just sounded wrong. we talked about things that i guess don't really matter. we couldn't really look each other in the eye.
and then he suggested that we go off to diliman to eat isaw at mang larry's. for all not in the know, mang larry's isaw, right across the kalayaan dormitory, is our shrine. had we gotten married, mang larry would have been the caterer. yes, isaw for our wedding reception.
but i digress. when we got on the bus to diliman. i couldn't help but snuggle up to him. this is just the way things are supposed to be. i encircled my arm around his arm, that simple. he froze. i laughed and pulled away so he wouldn't feel awkward. and you know what? he actually pulled me closer and hugged me. i missed that.
we were intimate the whole bus ride. not as intimate as when we were still together, but definitely intimate in a not so conventional "friends" way. we hugged and held hands. and we laughed. and joked around. just like old times. really, just like old times. but of course, it won't ever be "just like old times".
we were avoiding the same thing. i was afraid that he'd ask me back, and i knew that question was just at the tip of his tongue. i'm just so thankful that he didn't have to ask and i didn't have to say no. it's not the right time for that kind of complication. we're both still too weak.
so we got to diliman and ate isaw. i had to go home early to baby sit and now im here, writing this down, just amazed at how peculiarly bittersweet
this afternoon was. the chemistry's still there, no doubt about it. but we both know that to get back together would only mean reliving the past. there is and will be no future for that kind of relationship for both of us.
i missed him. and he missed me. and this bond we have will never be broken, that's what i think.