That's what she said
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
The Christmas post
This is all I really want for Christmas. (In no particular order)
1. A holiday. A nice, long vacation on the beach with friends. I won't mind the cold. I really just need a break more than 2 days long. oh yes. i want this. the sloth in me wants to just quit work and go on vacation. i want to lie on the sand and laugh with my friends and wait for the sun to set. i want bonfires and s'mores and stories. the works. i want the time to have this, and the people i love to have it with.
2. My Saturdays back-- or a job that won't get in the way of my ministry. The work here at Inquirer leaves me detached from the rest of my world. I've had to live along Pasong Tamo to accommodate my odd working hours (2 p.m. to 10 p.m., not including almost nightly overtime work). It's a six day work week for me so I'm left with only my day off, Sunday, to catch up with everyone else. One day is not enough for my family, Church committments, friends and the slim possibility of love. I've had to lie low from the choir and almost give up "my kids" for this. I just wish it was worth it.
3. The success of our Christmas cantata. Everyone's worked so hard for this. I just want things to work out for God's glory. (It always does, anyway.) I'm deathly afraid though, 'cause I have a solo number when all all other soloists are from the San Miguel Philharmonic Orchestra. Now, what am i going to sound like compared to them?! An aside: if you can sstomach seeing me make an ass out of myself, you're welcome to watch us. The musicale is on Dec. 11 and entrance is free. Just leave a note if you want to watch.)
4. Good mood that lasts for more than a week. I've been having really wild mood swings as of late and they've left me emotionally battered. I'm tired of being happy and then crashing to sorrow the next day. Is happiness a choice? I don't think it's that simple, yo.
5. Genuine happiness for Akelle, with whomever he chooses to have it with. I admit. whenever I read stories about him and his new girl, i feel slightly jealous. Hey this guy was
my "the one". A part of this jealousy's really, ho-hum, bitterness that he was first to find a someone else. We still talk once in a while, and he says he's not really happy with his current girl. I don't know to what extent this is true, but it doesn't matter. I just want him to be happy. For good.
6. My "Joshua man". Oh no, this again. I call my "the one" my "Joshua man" cause... long story. Anyway, I'm wishing for this because I miss being loved and loving someone so much. It gets lonely when you're alone. Especially if you've had a wonderful relationship that was almost it. This time, I don't want anymore "almosts".
7. A better, more fruitful relationship with God. This will solve everything. I'm sure.
at this very second, i do not know what i want with my life. scratch that. i have a vague idea of what i want to end up being but i have no clue at all how to get there. and i'm anxious. i guess it's the control freak in me. i want to cheat on God and find out how the future looks like.
tell me to slow down. tell me to take one day at a time. savor the moment, pat. moments pass every second (what?), you won't be able to live them again, ever.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
pfft. i hate it when this happens. i hate it when i feel like this.
Friday, November 25, 2005
after two weeks of not posting anything, i'm back. with a new layout. i love the color yellow. it's so... not black. hehe. the "old new" layout had something wrong with it, so i took it down and replaced it with this!
so many things happened. so many happy things. you know the feeling of being overwhelmed to the point of not knowing what to say? that's what i'm feeling right now. i don't know what to say! i don't know what to say! i just know that despite random moments of loneliness that can easily be attributed to hormonal imbalance, i am happy. i smile more, giggle louder and sleep better.
i ♥ this life.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
new layout! my happiest skin to date cause of a lot of things:
1. developments with manong
2. akelle's new girl. :D
3. peace of mind
4. 13th month pay
5. so much more (God's faithfulness, actually. :D)
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
i find that i can't stop writing about him. a part of me fears what will happen if he happens to be a fluke. the worst thing is me withdrawing... not being able to be friends with him anymore.
a part of me does not want to fear and anticipates this second chance. (whether with him or with someone else), sana nga lang...
that's about it for the night. i'm still in the office, just finished the advanced pages of the entertainment section. tomorrow is another day which holds so much promise, i'm overwhelmed just thinking about them.
(thanks Lord. really. i may not look too enthusiastic at times but i know you know that i appreciate the wonders you work in my life.) ;0
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
today is possibly one of the best days of my life.
it all started yesterday when i received a text message from manong asking where he could get his nbi clearance, and how he could get there. my heart leapt, i have been planning to go back to divisoria since forever and the nbi is just a ride away from divi, so...
i told manong that i'd gladly accompany him to the nbi this morning since i'd be going to divisoria anyway. i didn't ask him to accompany me, though. last night, we resumed texting. i asked him if his sister, whom i really close with, has classes already. he said yes and asked why. i told him that i was planning to ask his sister to tag along to accompany me to divisoria.siya na lang daw ang sasama kung ok lang sakin
of course its ok! so we decided to meet up at 830 am at the LRT2 Recto station. we went down the station, walked the stretch of avenida to carriedo, turned left and walked a bit more to the nbi clearance center.
we went through the motions, moi
acting as his "tour guide". the fingerprinting section was the most memorable part. the guy who was rolling manong's fingers in the ink was a talkative man, the kind who likes to pry a little bit into the private lives of others. i couldn't understand what they were talking about but since the guy was pointing to me, i knew i was part of their conversation.
after having his prints taken, manong walked to me. he was laughing an awkward laugh. i knew it was because of the guy's questions, and i knew manong didn't know whether or not to tell me what they talked about. i guess the story was too good not to be told.
the guy had asked manong after pointing to me: "misis mo?"
when i heard manong say that, i blushed and laughed out loud at the same time. i told him i didn't know whether that was a compliment or an insult. on the one hand, we looked good together. on the other hand, mukha na akong misis.
so after getting his receipt, we went back to Recto to catch a ride to Divisoria. On the way, there were so many stories exchanged. he told me why he had this horrible sunburn (too much camp counselling and swimming at the beach), that he was still trying to find the nailcutter he borrowed from me and possibly lost back in zambales. etc.
so we got down tutuban, and walked together down to Ylaya, and then to my favorite shopping place: Divisoria Mall. we went up and down and through the aisles all the while laughing at and with each other. he laughed at me and my poor sense of direction. i laughed at him and the fact that despite my poor sense of direction, he was still following me around.
we looked for birthday gifts for our church friends, for a vegetable peeler, and for a door knob for my room. yun nga pala.
he promised to come over on friday to replace my old door knob. yihee. hahaha. at first i was telling him to just teach me how to do it-- remove a doorknob and replace it with a new one-- but after some thinking he said he'd rather come over and do it himself, to make sure it was done properly.
we "mall hopped" in divisoria while talking about sooooo many things. we canvassed for badminton shoes for me and found none, :( we went grocery shopping after that. *aww shucks* he drove the cart for me and we talked some more. for carrying my stuff around and being so patient with me while i was shopping, i treated him to a large bowl of braised beef in ChowKing.
we were supposed to part ways at the LRT2 Recto station, right where we met up. But he walked me to the D Jose station of the old LRT (which i would ride to Buendia), all the while carrying my grocery and shopping bags. And then for reasons i can only imagine, he changed his plans and said he'd ride with me on the old LRT (odd rhyme) up to the Central Station. Punta daw siya ng Mapua
Hehe. Ang feeling ko!
I can't wait 'til Friday! Ano kaya lutuin ko for him? :D
loves the Lord... check
serves the Lord... check
loves his family to bits... check
is a kuya to everyone... check
kick-ass sense of humor... check
can take my pang-aasar
doesnt mind shopping, in divisoria... check
loves my cooking... check
likes me... ?
manong, consent mo na lang ang kulang! haha! (sign on the dotted line please. :D)
bwahaha! i feel like an evil genius! Thanks for the wonderful day Lord!
Our "dates" keep getting better... hmm... :D :D
Saturday, November 05, 2005
tonight i am going home to antipolo and i cannot wait. i miss home and i can certainly do with a couple of days away from my room at the flat which carries alot of ugly memories. this soon into my stay in makati? yes.
in deference to him who did not post anything about anything, i'll do the same.
i can't wait for tomorrow as well. haay... dearest editors, uwi tayo ng maaga ha? :D
i miss my church friends. i miss manong. :(
Thursday, November 03, 2005
got this from my email. i don't know if this really happened, but i have no doubt that God has worked in this way in the lives of millions around the world. ;)
This story was written by a doctor who worked in South Africa ...
One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator).
We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in.
Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates). "And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways.
"All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."
The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.
During prayer time, one ten-year old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God" she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon."
While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?"
As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say,"Amen". I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything, the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator! Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door.
By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the veranda, was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children.
Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. >From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!" Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted!
Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"
That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."
"Before they call, I will answer" (Isaiah 65:24)> This awesome prayer takes less than a minute. When you receive this, say the prayer, that's all you have to do. No strings attached. Just send it on to whomever you want - but do send it on. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards.
Let's continue praying for one another Father, I ask you to bless my friends reading this right now. I am asking You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self doubting, release a renewed confidence to work through them. Where there is tiredness or exhaustion, I ask You to give them understanding, guidance, and strength as they learn submission to Your leading. Where there is spiritual stagnation, I ask You to renew them by revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy with You. Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your courage. Where there is a sin blocking them, reveal it, and break its hold over my friend's life. Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders and friends to support and encourage them. Give each of them discernment to recognize the evil forces around them, and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it. I ask you to do these things in Jesus' name.
P.S. Passing this on to anyone you consider a friend will bless you both. Passing this on to one not considered a friend is something Christ would do.
"Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet."
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
that was a beautiful weekend i had over at zambales. we stayed at manong's place in castillejos. grabe. no words can describe that vacation. it was simply a blessing from God, a break not really deserved. a gift, a wonderful gift.
it was a good rest. as usual, i was the kusinera, but it was worth it. i cooked lechon paksiw, pork sinigang, sinigang na tilapia and ref cake for all 15 of us during the two days that i was in zambales.
i went home yesterday morning, a day ahead of all of them. i've got work; the newspaper doesn't enjoy holidays. missed the fifth Grey Table Oktoberfest for this, and all though i miss the Grey Table folks so much, it was worth it.
manong was there (it was his house!) he was all sun burnt from being a camp counselor up at iba, but, he was cute and kuya-ish all the same. the kids were so hard to handle and cute at the same time. i was the only ate around when there were four kuyas, hence the automatic designation as cook.
this entry is incoherent. this is almost always the case whenever i'm happy and i try to write about the cause of my happiness. this is pure joy: to experience fellowship with people who are called to worship the same God. i can't wait for Sunday. :D