That's what she said

Saturday, December 31, 2005
6:38 PM


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6:02 PM

isang tribute muna:

sa isang kaibigang tunay, salamat.

thanks for knowing just how to make my day sunnier. thanks for cracking me up when i need to laugh, for making me think whenever i need to slow down, for keeping me grounded and reminding me that things don't always have to be all cheery for us to be content.

it's not just the pressure cooker*, it's the daily trips i make to your table that you tolerate and the endless manong stories that i know you can't take anymore but listen to anyway, it's the knowing laughs we share whenever we are reminded of insane college stuff.

those are the things that i'm thankful for. thanks for making work life infinitely more enjoyable. :D belated happy birthday kate. sorry this came late. i've been thinking of how to put this and this is the best i could come up with. i heart you.

--
*kate won a pressure cooker during the Inquirer editorial Christmas party and promptly gave it to me. without batting an eyelash, without thinking twice, she gave it to me. i told everyone that this meant more than any luck i could get in any raffle. this was a gift, wholeheartedly given by a friend.

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Saturday, December 24, 2005
7:03 PM

it's the day before Christmas and i'm here in the office. the paper's going to be done at around 7:30, no second edition today to cut everyone slack. but, it's already 5 and the layout's not done yet.

i'm not giddy about Christmas anymore; i just really want to go home and be with my family. because i know that the world's concept of Christmas is infinitely different from God's, i'm not excited to see my gifts and prepare my noche buena.

i still love giving gifts, though ... and shopping for them. nearly nothing beats seeing the faces of people who truly appreciate what you've bought, or made, or done for them.

***

it's the day before Christmas and the end of the month is a marker to the fact that i've been single for 5 months. i'm only starting to really enjoy being single. i'm beginning to re-love the quiet times i have at night-- when i can read books, draw or just daydream. i love the fact that there's no one that i have to think and worry about. i've remembered why i love shopping alone and just basically going places alone. there's more time and space to think.

i realized that i missed silence the most.

***

matuto kang sumabay sa alon*

what a beautiful metaphor. i've been used to loving with all my might, all the time, sometimes through sheer will and brute force. (not a nice picture, i know.) but now, i'm trying to learn a love that has a natural ebb and flow.

the waves know when to crash onto the shore and when to withdraw to the sea. but whatever happens, they're there. no one can doubt their presence. no one can say that the flow makes more of the wave than the ebb.

i wont allow myself, or anyone else, to say that overt acts of adoration define my love more than my silence and refusal to "fight" for him and win him over.

And of course, i'll still live by 1 Cor. 13.


*an early morning (2 am) text message from my friend anna

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Tuesday, December 20, 2005
7:01 PM

so it's been two plus days since we last communicated, and i'm thinking, why am i not bothered? i'm not agitated, i'm not imagining worst case scenarios and i'm not barraging his phone with messages. this is odd. especially considering that it's that time of the month.

i promised to cut down on the overanalyses, but grant me this one, ok? i think this calm's because i'm (all of a sudden) secure in our friendship.

i've confirmed that he enjoys my company, accepts me for who i am, appreciates the things i do for him and does some things to see me happy. what more should i ask for, right? it's a sweet friendship-- i call him when i'm upset, and so does he. he accompanies me to places i need to go, and i do the same for him. he understands me, dead on. i think i understand him.

breaking news: he just sent me a message. haven't read it yet. :D

sabi ko na nga ba ikaw rin unang bibigay, e. :D

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Monday, December 12, 2005
6:49 PM

what a total downer.

manong just sent me a message to say that he won't be able to make it to our "date" on wednesday cause he's been called by his father to go home to the province.

he's also cancelling our cooking date on saturday for the same reason. he might be staying there for the weekend.

nakakainis! i know it's entirely not his fault, but still, i'm disappointed. i miss him too much, this fast. may plano pa naman ako para sa wednesday. grr. how's that for being rudely disrupted.

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Saturday, December 10, 2005
12:11 AM

ok! i get it! he's just not that into me! yet

oh yes pat, that's the spirit. i just read "he's just not that into you", that book i've been lusting over. hmm... what do i have to say about it? it's not as fantabulous as i expected it to be but it does have a lot of good ideas. the paperback copy's only Php 400, so it is worth it.

ate adelle from the digital pre press unit lent it to me after she learned that i wanted to read it. i read it in three hours. and i learned that manong is not into me ...

but, that's assuming that he fits into the stereotype the authors were playing around. but since one of their maxims goes like this: he's just not into you if he doesn't want to have sex with you, then i'm sure that this book doesn't hold.

i mean, haven't they ever met a Christian man? are they that cynical?

but anyway, the book's still good. and funny. i couldn't help but laugh out loud at all the parts that i could identify with. you should really try reading it. for the laughs, if not for the genuinely good advice it contains. just remember to take everything with a grain of salt.

sorry if this is such a useless review.

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Monday, December 05, 2005
11:13 PM



for the people who are thinking of buying me a gift this Christmas, i want this: He's Just Not Into You by Greg and Liz

it's awfully expensive (Php 999) but if, say, there's 5 of you, each would only have to shell out Php 200. If there's 7 of you, only Php 143. Ten, Php 100.

You wouldn't have to think of what to buy me! Here it is, something I desperately need. Something we all need! "The No- Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys."

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10:32 PM

"But my friend of a friend, smitten and giddy with the idea of such kindness existing in the world, wants to think there's something there, an actual reason why he's going out of his way to be nice. But, hey, let's face it; there's nothing there ... Everything is fluid and ambiguous. Infatuation is so easy to acquire. And just as easy to dispose of. It's so easy to accidentally dupe someone. It's equally as easy to lead yourself into being duped.

But the hard part, of course, is that until someone comes up to you to shake you into reason, to dig you out of a hole you probably feel like you want to be buried in, you don't really understand the logic of it ... The probability of misinterpretation is staggering. One side just wants to be loved, the other side probably just wishes it had never happened. But, you know, everyone wakes up sober the next day anyway, and no matter how hard you pretend, you always remember what happened the night before. You know, in the pit of your stomach, if it's something. And when you know it's nothing, it's not worth it to try to vomit up air."
-- Making Love out of Nothing At All- Caravaggio
peyups.com


Someone please shake me, wake me up from this. I'm beginning to hype myself into thinking that this may be it. That he may like me in approximately the same way that I like him. And save for his random acts of kindness and sweetness, and his mom and sister's affection towards me, I really have no basis for saying that he likes me.

What if he's just kind and sweet? And what if his mom and sister just like me, period?

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Thursday, December 01, 2005
10:54 PM

i may just have the crappiest mood swings on earth. and i'm not just imagining. some friends have noticed as well. i am a ray of sunshine one second and a dark cloud the next.

last night, manong messaged me, but i couldn't understand what he meant. because my keypad sucks and it had been a loooong day (it was 11pm), i called him up. so there, i asked him what he meant and he told me, and we ended up talking til 230 am. wow.

the beauty of the 3+ hours long conversation has nearly been lost to me, however, because of something i may never ever outgrow. i was poring through his email's inbox just an hour ago, and discovered something that i wish i hadn't discovered.

it was an email from a mutual friend and grr. they, apparently, have a past. now i'm not sure what kind of past that is but the context of the message just leads me into all sorts of conclusions that hurt my brain and, sob, my heart.

the only redeeming factors are the email's date: July 20. that was way before we became close, and the fact that there are no recent messages from mutual friend.

no one knows for sure what that email really means, save for the two of them. but here i am, totally agitated over it. reason number 1: mutual friend denied having any feelings for manong eons ago. reason number 2: manong once admitted that if ever he felt anything for mutual friend, it was no more than physical attraction.

but ho hum, seems that no one's been completely honest.

and that includes me of course, since i've been snooping yet again. manong only gave me access to his email so i could check out his job application updates for him. but look what the naughty little girl did ... will old *stalker mode* never die? how much more heartache will it give me.

"innocence is bliss" it's true! it's true! had i not known about whatever it is that they shared, i would still be happily gloating over the beautiful 3+ hour conversation we had last night.

we talked about so many things, the future, the past, the Lord, the ministry, our families, our plans, our fears, our pains. what a beautiful thing it is, having reached this level of friendship with him. but *stalker mode* and one nasty email dated four months ago have spoiled it.

gah!!!! (well at least i'm not crying. not yet, anyway).

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What about me?

business reporter who hates math. ate to two biological siblings and numerous adopted ones. in love with ice cream and ampalaya (NOT taken together). soul at rest. badly in need of a trip to the beach.


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